Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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