Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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