I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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