I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
