my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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