I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
