next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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