Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
