I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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