Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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