just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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