What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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