please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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