your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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