I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
