i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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