I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
