A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
