All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
