I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
me + whiskey = a bad person
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
