You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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