God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
