if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
