I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
