i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
