i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
