just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.