that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
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Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.