Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.