Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
