I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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