I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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