If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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