Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
