I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm always down for nudity.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
