don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
