She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
