why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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