one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
