as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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