Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you win again, gameday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
