Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
