I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
