My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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