First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
