My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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