his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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