So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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