Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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