literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
