She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize