Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
