I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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