I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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