dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize