the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
